Have you ever been out in the woods, in the dark, with little or no light? The kind of dark where you could just walk off the side of the mountain and never know you'd left the trail? Several years ago, I found myself in such a darkness. Norman, my Dad, and I had taken horses to the wilderness area near our home. The plan was to ride and scout out a new trail for my Dad and some of his family to ride. We left the truck and trailer a little later in the afternoon than we should have, but we weren't planning on riding more than a couple of hours anyway, so it would be fine. And it was fine! Until it wasn't.
We had ridden a couple of hours; me on my mountain of an appaloosa named Thumper, Daddy on his sorrel named Dobbins, and Norman on his big buckskin named Katy. It was getting late, and it had begun to look like rain was coming, so we decided to cut across country back to the road that would take us to the truck and trailer. Unfortunately, the cross-country path was going up a very steep hillside. Norman assured me that I would be fine because I was essentially riding an equine bulldozer, so up we went with Daddy and Dobbins in front, then Norman and Katy, and then Thumper and I brought up the rear, climbing higher with each step, dodging limbs and broken trees as we went. It was a precarious climb, but we were trudging steadily along when the unthinkable happened.
I don't remember the detail that caused the calamity, but from my vantage point at the back of our small group, I saw Katy stumble, then slip, and start rolling down the hill as Norman jumped off the uphill side. It seemed like time had stopped as we watched Katy's 1200-pound girth roll sideways down the hill, coming to a stop with her stomach resting against the trunk of a small tree. Her legs were on either side of the tree with all four legs pointed downhill.. Daddy and I dismounted from our horses as quickly as we could, but we were all a little in shock about what had just transpired.
Norman, always thinking on his feet, quickly got to Katy, checked her legs, and surprisingly found no broken bones
As my kids have gotten older, some mornings I feel like the front door needs to be a revolving door. This one has to leave for work at 6:15; this one leaves for school at 6:30; this one is out the door for school by 8:00. And although I'm not the one heading out physically, I'm still exhausted by the time the last one leaves.
I have never kept my battle with depression a secret in hopes that my openness about my own journey would help someone else who found themselves on the same path. It has been some mountaintops, some valleys, and a lot of just trying to make it from one day to the next. I always lived feeling like one wrong move, one misstep on the path, would send me spiraling out of control, and it often did.
But, finally, about a year and a half ago, I found peace like I have never known. I finally found the walk with Jesus that I have craved all of these years. I've spent my entire life searching for that something more, something that seemed just out of reach. I've always been in church and thought that that was where I would find what I was looking for. And I finally did- but not in the way that you might think. I'll share that journey with you soon, but in the meantime, when I finally found the peace that I was searching for, my depression almost completely went away. Now, I had been diagnosed several years ago as having chemical depression and as being borderline bipolar. I still take 2 out of 3 of the meds that I've been on. I truly believe that Jesus is going to heal me completely of ALL of my depression issues. He has already freed me from so many of the chains that held me, and I believe that it's only a matter of time- His time.
I said all of that to say that I feel like a different person then I did a year and a half ago. I almost never have a day "in the pit" as I always characterized my "bad days". But last week I almost fell back in. I allowed someone's words to push me down, dangerously close to the pit that used to always pull me in. What the words were is not important. The person that said them has no authority in my life. What IS important is why I let those words bother me; why were they able to put me off course.
I've had a couple of victories in my life lately and I think I had begun to lean on my own understanding instead of leaning on Jesus. I was directing my own path, all of a sudden. So, when the words came, I had weak places in my armor and that caused me to take my eyes off of Jesus and put my focus on my troubles. I was suddenly spinning out of control, spiraling toward the pit that always taunts me, seeming to forget everything that I had learned and the peace that Jesus had given me.
It took me a few days to even begin to claw my way out, but finally one morning I had time to go to my writing place- my shack on the mountain. I was able to get there just as the sun was coming up and as I sat there in a fog, the healing began as God began pouring the following words into my heart.
Morning Symphony
The trees sway softly on the breeze,
In the early morning light.
As if playing the fading notes
Of the symphony from the night.
"Trees don't sing" is something
some of you might say.
And I know that you are right,
In our earthly thinking way.
But the wind seems to play the music
That moves quietly through the leaves,
The sound is like a morning song
That is voiced by the trees.
The birds begin to sing along
Singing praises with every note,
The morning symphony picks up tempo
Of the song the heavens wrote.
Like a conductor stepping into place,
The sun is rising in the sky.
Everything stills as if holding its breath,
Then, together, breathes out a whispered sigh.
"How majestic are you, Lord!"
All of nature seems to say.
" We praise thee with a voice of triumph,
Because out of the darkness you made a way!"
The music of the trees reaches a crescendo!
It seems all of nature rises up to sing.
I have seen the morning symphony
Singing praises to my king!
Something rises within me.
With my voice I give a quiet shout.
I add my praise to the morning song
Before the rocks around me can cry out.
Finally, my soul can sing my song.
"How great Thou art, I sing to Thee.
You've brought me out of the darkness again."
Are the words of my morning symphony.
Praise to the One to Whom
All creation together sings along.
Sometimes we have to be still and listen
And He will remind us of our song.
